The Corp may own my body, but he has my heart in the palm of his hands

well..I haven't been on this thing in a good 9 months or so now...didn't even know my password anymore..but Im back on here now..looking at all the old stuff on here brings back a lot of memories..some good..some bad..some better of forgotten.  A lot has changed since the last time I was on here..as it turns out all my fears about the corp..were totally unnessasary..It has become one of the best decisions of my life..I have learned so much...It taught me respect honor loyalty commitment dedication and so much more..it has opened a world of opportunities and I have finally met the One,,that I have been looking for...I am happily engaged.  I am employed with the united states Marine corp..i will soon be starting college and currently I am here in Meridean Mississippi at the naval base learing the tricks of the trade for my MOS which is Aviation because for some stupid reason the corp seems to think Im a smart cookie like that...lol...

I guess by now you ought to know

that I am under your control

Anything you do or say

is fine with me, it's all okay

You make the rules and I will do

whatever it is you tell me to

You can lie and cheat, and even steal

and it won't change the way I feel

I want to be your one and only

Baby, please, Will you love me?

As much as I love the little red "x" 's everywhere..I must say..I miss actually being able to see the pictures.  I would look at everyone's latest pics, but all my screen will show is a lot of red "x" 's.  Is it just me or are some of you others having problems?

Unfortunantly, I have some not so good news.  As those of you who know me, know that I have promised myself to the Corp. for at least the next four years.  I was initially informed that I would be shipping out on June 17th for a night at the millineum hotel in Nashville, then from there to MEPS, and From there after a final swearing in and quick checkup I would be headed to Parris Island, South Carolina for three months of intense training.  I would be saying goodbye on Father's Day.  Now they have changed my date without my consent to June the 4th.  Their reasoning being that I am quote "more physically fit and mentally prepared for basic than my fellow DEP members"  thus, I have to leave before the rest of them.  I have made a lot of friends down at the recruiting station and wqas really looking forward to shipping out with them, but now I have been moved up.  The thing that bothers me most about all this is that now I won't have my ten day break with Dennis.    He will come home four days after I ship out to California for AIT.  Then it's off to our duty stations with only 30 days a year paid vacation.  I have a 2 year tour in Hawaii and the other 2 years is wherever I am needed.  I am really going to miss all the guys from the recruiting station.  They said that it just won't be the same without "Barbie" (that's what they call me).  I wish I could change it, but as they say.."You belong to the Corp. now."  To all those who took the time to read this..thank-you...I know you don't understand my situation, but if you read iut then It either interests you , or you care, so thanks.

Hello all...I'm back..this is good and bad..bad because for me to back on here it also means Im back at school..ughhhh..but it's good cause I can keep up with all of you.  The other news is my attention span is not long enough to reply to all the messages and stuff I got over the break..Im way behind on all this stuff so do forgive with a gracious smile..lol...under five months to graduaation..Im happy to announce!!!

Im gone...Merry Christmas to you all..see you on January 4th..have a good one...love ya...

Melita

It's over and done my Dears.  I have officially bombed my semester exam with a 48.  My "A" average is spiraling down the drain and I have thought long and hard about this and have come to the comclusion that I am leaving here at 11:30 to go home take hot bubble bath indulge with chocolate and drown my sorrows in sparkling grapejuice.  Im going take the phone off the hook and fall asleep in my bathrobe watching whatever christmas special happens to be on the hallmark channel.  Then when my dad gets home, he's going to have a fit because I didn't go for a run today and because my performance is getting sloppy and whatever else he can think of at the time...but I will deal with that one when the time comes... for now I will waste away the rest of the time here at school with this computer screen while my friends are in the next room sweating out the exam I just flunked...Thank you my friends for allowing me to wallow in self pity for a few minutes...

Tomorrow is my last day of school until January the 4th..so I rpobably won't be checking on this blog until then...so if I don't write you back..I haven't forotten you..I'm busy wrapping gifts, stuffing my face, toasting in the New year, hanging out with my friends and family..and whatever else these holidays have in store for me..so just be patient..Ill get back to you as soon as I get around to it...

This school is so stupid...lol...It's sad when it's easier to get a hold of pills and cigs than it is to get your hands on a yummy bubbly caffine packed ice cold Dr. Pepper...Im sitting here sipping this Sprite Zero and It's just not the same..know what I mean..If Im going to spurge and drink a carbonated drink It can at least have lots of sugar and carbs....this is killing me..I don't start training until Feb.  I should be able to beinge as much as I want..don't you think?

Yep that's right..I'm going to jump up on my soap box today and do a little bitching...lol...I rarely bitch, but Im getting pretty PO'ed.  Why is it that Im old enough to sign the next 4 years of my life over to the Marine Corp. , but I'm not old enough to veiw half the content on this site?...Im going to be eligible to have my happy ass drung over to Iraq, before Im old enough to legally drink..this country is completely mixed up...Okay..sorry guys..Im done..no more from the bitchin' gallery

What am I doing?..I don't know..I want every thing to work out and its crashing in below me...Im setting my self up for heartache..but I just can't walk away now..Ive already gotten in too deep and I don't think I can get out...I swore to myself and everyone else that I wasn't going to do this again..I wasn't going to care..I wasn't going to get attached and look at me now..now Im completely screwed with now end in sight...Why am I doing this to myself????!!!  I wish I could just stake my claim to not care and leave while Im still lying to myself, telling myself that I can make this work, but I can't.  I honestly think I love him and it scares me..Im not supposed to love him..Hell, Im not supposed to love anyone...but I do...I can't though..He has his life and I have mine..He is going to Pensacola and I am going to North Carolina..He's in Aviation and Im in Law...Two completely different worlds...I can't change my MOS..I already Talked to Gunnery Srgt. Ortez..There's no going back...I tried to tell him last night..tried to explain that after June 17th gets here..after our last night in the four star Milliium Hotel in Nashville, we'll start our own lives and..I got caught up in everything and I started crying like a big baby and I was a mess with tears all down my face..my cheeks buring..here I am so torn with no escape and all he could say was that Im beautiful when I cry...He says that he'll wait until the end of time for me..but Im not that naive..fro god's sake Im about to be 18  I know that this isn't a fairy tale..but I like it better when he lies to me..Is that too entirely twisted?

My Thanksgiving was really good...Dennis went with me to my uncle's house and we clebrated with the rest of  my family....we had about fifty people over at his house..which is a three story white house with big colmns and lots of plain rooms...anyway..me and Dennis and the rest of my cousins and all there friends sat around in the livingroom..sprawled out on the couch and the floor watching the Dallas cowboys play football and me and Dennis ate like six triple chocolate brownines apiece...they were sooo good...that night we drove back over to my grandparents house to wait on my dad  and we hung out in the kitchen and just talked and....stuff....lol...all in all it was a really good day..good food good freinds..having fun..we played a little backyard ball and they threw the ball at me and dennis just picked me up and carried me to the "endzone"..it was fun...I ate too much and laughed a lot and then I got the hiccups and my cousin Braedon..who's also 17..decided that the only way to cure it would be to scare me..so he told my aunt to have me go to the basement to get another bottle of 7-up and then he and his buddy jumped out and grabbed me and I screamed really loud my uncle almost fell down the stairs trying to see iof I was okay..yeah..we had fun...you guys should have saw me trying to play ping pong...it was great...lol.........

I was talking on the phone with Dennis the other night and we were having our usual phone conversations were we talk about stupid stuff that only we really understand..stuff like gongs and orange flinstone pushup pops and then he started getting serious on me..talking about how much i mean to him and stuff..about how pretty i am and how he wishes iwere with him all the time and then..yes that's right he said it..those three little words..and i blew it..sure it was on the tip of mytongue..my mind was screaming it back at him...i was thinking about a hundred things at once about his arms around me and how i could really go for a jamoca shake and if i have enough money for christmas this year and the way he looks at me with those incredible eyes and my anatomy quiz and the stock market and how sweet his kisses are and then well..it got really quiet and my brain is screaming at me to SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT....and then..welll..then..I said...............drum roll please.................."thank-you!"  of all the stupid things i could have said...why couldn't i say it...why didn't i say it...its not like i didn't want to ..its not like i don't mean it...i don't know what my hang up is...maybe ill be able to say it on thanksgiving...we shall see...

Dark brunette hair frames her oval face.  Brown eyes.  Olive skin.  Red lips. 

She hides behind her smile.  White teeth, red lips.  Hoping you won’t see her. 

She puts up her front.    She laughs and seems so strong.  She makes good grades.

 She’s an athlete.  Confident, careless, cool, unconcerned, completely at ease.   

You’ll never see her the way I see her now.

 Her dark eyes filled with tears and hate.  Her cheeks burning with humiliation.  Her entire body trembling with uncontrolled malice. 

She is revolted. 

Sick at her stomach.  Thick saliva coating her throat.  Lips peeled back in disgust.

 Her mind completely overtaken by the beast. 

“You’re ugly!”  “You’re stupid!”  “You can’t do anything!”  “I hate you!” 

She claws at herself loathingly. 

Clutching the sides of the toilet seat she heaves into the clear water.  Nothing comes out.  Only tears.  They trickle down and fall into the pool causing the surface to ripple. 

She’s choking. Choking on nothing. Choking on everything.

 She thought she was okay. She thought she was better.

 It’s been a long time since the beast came out.  She thought he left.  She was wrong.

 Her heart thuds in her chest so hard.  She can barely breath.  Gasping for air. 

Cursing herself.

 How could this happen?  I’m okay.  I’m okay.  He’s not here.  He’s not here. 

Oh but he is. He is in so many ways.  “You’re Ugly!”  He insists.

 She scratches and shakes. 

Control is so far away.

 She slaps at herself.  Hates herself.  Gags. Chokes. Cries.  Cries for help. For comfort.  There is none. 

Only the beast.

 The beast that talks to her, that tells her  “You’re Stupid!” 

Collapsing to the floor she lays there sobbing hysterically. 

Time passes and the fit dies down.

 Her eyes are red and watery and her skin is fiery and violently marked.

She sits up and forces herself to stand. 

She brushes her teeth and washes her hands and face.  Combing her hair she looks numbly into the mirror at the girl she thought she knew. 

She turns away, dismissing the image and walks to the bathroom door and unlocks it.  Taking a deep breath I turn the knob and step into the world, plastering a smile on my face as I go.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  Track season is coming up here soon and Im starting to worry if I can cut it...What if I screw up and totally bomb state again this year?  That would suck so bad.  not only that but I joined the Marine Corp.  Im on the delayed entry program.  I ship out on June 18, 2007.  I will fly out to Parris Island, South Carolina for a 13 week boot camp.  then I come home for 10 days and then Im off to Camp Legune for MOS training.  After that I start my 2 year tour wherever they decide to station me.  Truth is...Im not so sure this whole Marine thing is for me....I mean I have a real problem with not thinking things through...I just do stuff and then pay for it later...ive always been like that.  im very spontaneous  and i hardly ever ask permission to do anything...my parents get so mad at me.  the problem is ive alreay signed all the papers and everything so it will be really hard to get out of it...plus everybody's really pressureing me about it.  It's not like I don't think I can do it.  I know I can.  Im strong and determined...I just....well..I just would rather do like all my friends and spend the summer lazying out on the beach, going out on the weekends, hanging out and stuff..like I do every summer.

having a bad day today..really bored nothing to do..waisting time...stuck here at school.  can't wait to get out...graduation is like seven months away..don't think i can last that long.  so boring being a senior..no class:good..bvut i can't check out: bad!  if i have like three more absences  i have to go to court or something like that..how stupid...it's not like im doing anything here just posting stupid journals for people who are just as bored as i am to read....i could really go for a jamoca shake from Arby's right now...